I never would have imagined sharing my children with another woman. It’s not really how I pictured my family when I was a naïve little girl. I bet it isn’t how you pictured yours either. This bond we share is difficult to put into words. As I write this message, it has been almost 6 long months since I last saw you face-to-face…through the glass. It has been 8 months since our last heart-to-heart on the phone, and nearly 11 months since you saw our babies. My heart breaks for you. For us.
So much has happened in this year. He turned one and began walking and talking. She is three now and growing more and more beautiful, both inside and out, with each passing day. Many things have happened, but among the heaviest, your parental rights were terminated, and ours (Lord willing) are about to begin. It is overwhelmingly difficult and simultaneously heart wrenching and joyous.
Those who don’t understand, frown or shake their heads. They wonder how can parents not WANT their children? How can ANYthing be more important than your children? How could someone DO THIS to a child. I don’t fault them for their questions, but thanks to the Lord’s grace in my life, I found most of my own questions replace with compassion many months ago. I do see the facts. I understand the silent, bewildered head shakes, and I know their silence would break into outrage if they knew the details we know. I cry when I hear it recounted. To realize the depth of what took place and the danger our children were in is mind-boggling.
I can’t say I’ve never been angry with you for it, but anger fades quickly when I look beyond the facts to see you. You – their birth mom. Their first mom. The “right” one (as she once referred to you). You – the friend that I bonded with over long phone calls and frequent texts. The soul I plead to the Lord for Every. Single. Day. You – the other half of my motherhood.
You will carry the weight of brutal consequences for your lifetime. I will carry the weight of our children’s emotions and future heartbreak as they grieve the loss of their first family and celebrate the love of their forever family. I hope we can carry some of that together. I hope they can know you, someday.
In the meantime, I know that your heart breaks, your eyes flood with tears, and you long to hold the sweet babies I will be holding. I’m sorry for your hurt and your loss. I will hug and kiss them twice as much, knowing that two Mommas love them – with all that we are.